professionalsurvivorofsuicideessaytxt

I am a professional counselor and counselor educator. I have in my practice worked in many clinical settings with individuals with serious mental illnesses. Yes, I have been on treatment teams that have lost clients to suicide. And, yes these losses have affected me both personally and professionally. I would like to share with you today however, my personal story concerning suicide. I have not written a cheery story, but a realistic one for me at my stage of dealing with my loss. I hope that if you have lost someone to suicide that you can relate.

My brothers' suicide was both expected and sudden. Expected, in the sense that he had so many things in common with many of the people who complete suicides. He was a walking risk factor. Sudden, because even though he had so many of the characteristics that are supposed to indicate risk for suicide, he had so many other positive attributes (intelligent, handsome, great sense of humor, caring) that it was easy for me and my family to pretend and deny what we knew was always a possibility lurking in the background. Sudden, also because the timing and the place were so wrong.

My brother hung himself in a state mental hospital in Florida. He was in the hospital because of exacerbation of his mental illness. My family and I of course thought that at least he was safe there under the watchful eye of mental health professionals. But my parents got a phone call telling them their son was dead. Despite their best efforts, he had not been in a safe place, and now he is dead.

A vacuum now exists in my heart and mind where he used to be. Where is my older brother? An empty place at the dinner table on family holidays aches for his presence. My brother had been mentally ill since his early twenties, having his first psychotic break in the Air Force. He had had many diagnoses and been through so many trials and tribulations, as many people with chronic mental illness must endure, that they are too many to recount here. He was failed by our best private and public behavioral medicine. He had little relief and no chance of a cure. I believe that at age 39, both looking back over and ahead at his life – he just decided that he could not endure another decade of pain. He knew he would never marry, never have children, never finish college, subsist dependent on public assistance, and he most devastatingly of all he could not trust his own thinking, his perceptions, or his mood. And the truth is that, no matter how I try and consol myself, the fact is simply that his life was miserable and his death just the final capstone. So that is what my family and I are left with, a deep painful memory of my brother, who we loved dearly, who suffered in life until he was without hope, and then chose to take his own life.

It has been hard as hell for me. It has been two years now and I find myself still thinking about him almost every day. I find myself just saying: “What a waste, what a waste, of a young man's life.” A variety of mixed feelings and memories are all I have left. Of course, I feel guilty. I wish I had been a better brother. I wish I had done more for him. I wish, I wish – he were still here. So I could tell him I love him – just one more time. But that will never be. I become sad sometimes thinking about him. I think about him almost every day. I cannot listen to certain songs on the radio. It is amazing how many little things will remind me about him. I miss him.

Our challenge is to carry on as best as we can. Of course we must all carry on, what choice do we have, we must pull out our bag of tricks and distractions, and most importantly be willing to heal. You must do this because if you don't you will be at risk for your own self-destruction.

I have found a few things that seem to help me professionally and personally so I will share them with you.

I choose to focus on the positive aspects of his life and my relationship with him. I try to recall funny things he said or did. I try to remember our childhood before he became ill.
I talk openly with others who have had the same experience – losing a loved one to suicide, sometimes provide solace. I don't know why but it is helpful to know we are not alone in our grief.
I have chosen to educate myself about suicide and share that learning with others. I try to read and understand more about suicide. This has helped me. Also, helping others to understand more about suicide has helped me more. Perhaps, I believe that if others' suffering can be eased or deaths prevented than somehow meaning is created out of the meaninglessness of my brothers death.
I listen more, and empathize more. I am more keenly aware of my client's pain and listen to them with more caring.
I realize that life is fragile and temporal. I have had a wake up call, and I don't intend to miss it. I am committed to enjoying my friends, my garden, and my family-Everything as much as possible everyday. It is very important to realize that when you are blessed with life and loved ones that you must acknowledge that everyday.

I have shared a bit of myself here in the hopes that you will see that you are not alone in your loss. Those others who have lost a loved one to suicide understand the intensity of your pain. Those clinicians who have endured the loss of someone under their care suffer as well. There is no easy answer or cure, there is only the need to choose life and improve ourselves despite our burdens.